During the years, I participated in dozens of Jewish circumcision ceremonies, where all dad’s telling jokes in order to soften this tensed atmosphere of cutting .So, I gathered the top 99 jokes that made me laugh out load.
Wallet mohel joke
As gross as it may sound, long ago, mohels (people who performed circumcisions) would sometimes keep and save the foreskins they circumcised. And grosser still is the fact that sometimes they would sew them together to make things. And once, a long time ago there was a mohel who performed more circumcisions than all other mohels. And one day he was talking to a friend of his and the friend asked, “You’ve performed so many circumcisions, have you made anything from the foreskins?” And the mohel said that yes, he had made a wallet from all the foreskins he had collected. The friend said, “You’ve circumsised so many children, you must have collected dozens of foreskins, and all you have made is a wallet?” And the mohel replied, “I know it’s just a wallet. But when you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.”
Religious Jokes: Only The Best
- Q: Who is Israel’s best Internet provider?
- A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, ‘Is anything all right?’
- You’re probably not Jewish if……You think Yom Kippur is a kind of fish…You see a menorah and ask ‘is that from IKEA?’…When served matzo balls you ask if there’s any other part of the matzo you can eat…You think l’chaim is the name of a Scottish lake…You think shulem is the name of a German chiropodist…You think the Passover is what happens when your boss turns you down for promotion…You think High Days are for smoking pot…You think a minyan is a cartoon character…you think Reform is the magazine of the United Reformed Church…You think seder is an alcoholic drink made from apples…When somebody asks ‘why is this night different from all other nights’ you reply ‘the clocks go forward?’..When you hear the word ‘Orthodox’ you also think ‘Greek’…You see someone touching a mezuzah and think ‘wow, a fingerprint controlled lock!’.
- Rabbi: The Torah says we should love our neighbors as ourselves.
Cohen: Yes, but the Torah was written before our neighbours lived so close!
- Sign in shop window: ‘Keep calm and carry on.’
Sign in Jewish shop window: ‘I’m a Jewish mother. I don’t do calm.’
- A Brooklyn rabbi visited London for the first time, and got on an open-topped tourist bus. As the bus drove down Pall Mall, the guide pointed out the grand historic clubs lining the street. ‘On your left is the Conservative Club…and further on is the Reform Club.’ ‘Nu,’ said the rabbi. ‘So which one is the Orthodox Club?’
- In the days when Oxford University only admitted Anglican students, young Greenberg, after much study secured an interview with a college. Although he knew it was wrong to lie, for the sake of his future he decided to pretend to be a member of the Church of England. ‘What is your denomination?’ asked the tutor at the end of the interview. ‘Ah…I’m Church of England,’ said Greenberg. The tutor asked ‘High or Low?’ This stumped Greenberg, who thought for a moment then replied, ‘Buy low, sell high.’
- ‘Is your wife observant?’
‘I’ll say. She can spot lipstick on my collar from ten feet away.’
- Cohen was one of New York’s biggest hypochondriacs but didn’t want to pay for a doctor. One Saturday in the temple he contrived to sit next to one of the city’s top doctors, and throughout the service proceeded to pester him about his ailments. ‘What do you think I should take for it?’ Cohen kept saying. Eventually the doctor said ‘Take professional advice.’ Not to be outdone, Cohen continued. ‘But what would you take for it?’ he asked. ‘A fee,’ snapped the doctor.
- Solly was looking for new premises for his tailor’s shop. Eventually he found a place, bordered on one side by a Japanese restaurant, and on the other side by a Turkish barber’s. ‘It’ll be perfect!’ exclaimed Solly. ‘A Nip here, a Turk there…’
- ‘I see your husband is wearing a yarmulke. Is he becoming more frum?’
‘No – more bald.’
- ‘Aunt Lottie died last night.’
‘So what’s new? She’s always complaining anyway.’
- Goldberg got a birthday gift from his mother, of a red tie and a blue tie. The next time he visited his mother, he wore one of the ties. ‘So,’ said his mother as soon as she saw him, ‘the blue tie you didn’t like?’
- Mrs Mirtlebaum was concerned that her middle-aged son didn’t seem interested in marrying and settling down. She finally persuaded him to see a psychiatrist. Afterwards, she called the doctor and asked what the problem was. ‘After some consideration, Mrs Mirtlebaum,’ said the doctor, ‘I conclude that your son is suffering from an Oedipus complex.’ ‘Oedipus, schmoedipus!’ exclaimed Mrs Mirtlebaum. ‘So long as he loves his mother!’.
- Mrs Cohen was at the beach with her adult son, who got into difficulties in the water. Immediately she ran up and down the beach, screaming ‘my son the lawyer is drowning, my son the lawyer is drowning!’
- A businessman heard that Jews were very astute in matters of trade, so he knocked on the door of his local rabbi and said ‘Sir, I’ve heard that Jews are very good at business. Can you tell me what your secret is?’ The rabbi thought for a moment and said, ‘We Jews eat a lot of a certain kind of fish, which makes us wise.’
The man was puzzled at first, but remembered that fish was ‘brain food’. ‘Could you let me have some of this fish?’ he asked eagerly. ‘Sure,’ said the rabbi. ‘But it’s expensive. Twenty pounds a jar.’ ‘I don’t mind,’ said the man. ‘It will be worth it, I’m sure. Can you get some for me?’ ‘Certainly,’ said the rabbi. ‘Come back here tomorrow.’
The next day the man visited the rabbi in great anticipation and handed over the money. The rabbi handed him a small jar of pickled herring. ‘Hey,’ said the man. ‘This is just ordinary fish. You can get this in the supermarket for 50p a jar!’ ‘See,’ said the rabbi with a smile. ‘You’re getting wise already.’
- At a large civic reception, the rabbi pushed away the roast pork when some was offered to him by a waiter. ‘When are you going to give up that silly custom of yours, rabbi?’ asked Father O’Malley who was sitting next to him. Immediately the rabbi replied; ‘At your wedding reception, Father O’Malley.’
- The new bagel shop in Stamford Hill was doing well, until one day the Inland Revenue rang up the manager. ‘Mr Feinstein,’ said the tax inspector, ‘I have a question about your tax return. You reported a profit of £60,000 last financial year but you are also claiming tax deductible expenses of £60,000, which you have listed as flights to Israel for you and your wife.’ ‘So what’s wrong with that?’ asked Feinstein. ‘We also deliver!’
- Q. What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A. The Dead Sea.
- Cohen and Goldberg were emigrating to the USA. In the middle of the Atlantic ocean, a huge storm blew up. As the ship pitched and tossed around and waves crashed over the deck, Cohen began weeping and wailing. ‘The ship will sink! The ship will sink!’ he cried. ‘So why worry?’ said Goldberg calmly. ‘Is it your ship?’
- A man was walking through the East End of London when he realised his watch had stopped. He saw a shop with a large clock in the window, and went inside. ‘Can you fix my watch?’ asked the man to the shopkeeper. ‘Sorry, no,’ replied the shopkeeper. ‘But aren’t you a clockmaker?’ asked the man. ‘No,’ replied the shopkeeper. ‘I’m a moyl.’ ‘A what?’ replied the man. ‘A moyl. I make circumcisions.’ In some confusion, the man asked ‘Then why have you got that big clock in the window?’ ‘My friend,’ sighed the other; ‘what would you put in the window?’
- A Jewish New Yorker arrived in London and went into a traditional English restaurant that specialised in plain, simple ‘nursery’ food. ‘Gimme a pastrami on rye already,’ said the New Yorker; ‘but with a little wholewheat on the side; hold the mayo; put some borscht on the side but NOT the kind with too much sauce; a little sauerkraut, easy on the lettuce and hold the dressing. Make it wheat free, gluten free, dairy free and kosher.’ The waiter raised an eyebrow. ‘Certainly sir. Would sir care to come in next week for a fitting?’
- Three Jewish women met for lunch. One took a deep breath and gave out a long, slow ‘oy.’ The second took a deep breath as well and let out a long, slow ‘oy’ The third took a deep breath and said impatiently, ‘I thought we agreed we weren’t going to talk about our children.’
- Q. What kind of cigarettes do rabbis smoke?
A. Gefilte tips.
- Rabbi Goldblum answered the phone.
‘This is the Inland Revenue speaking. We’re checking some tax returns. Do you know a Solly Mendelbaum?’
‘I do,’ said the rabbi.
‘And is he a member of your congregation?’
‘And did he donate £15,000 pounds to your synagogue?’
- Three old ladies sat in the doctor’s waiting room. ‘I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have a cup of tea,’ said Mrs Jones. ‘I’m so tired and thirsty, I must have a wee drop of whisky,’ said Mrs McGregor. ‘I’m so tired and thirsty,’ said Mrs Goldberg, ‘I must have diabetes.’
- Notice in synagogue magazine: ‘A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the synagogue. It was given by Mr Rosen in memory of his wife.’
- A city banker bought himself a Maserati with his bonus money. After buying it, he felt guilty and went to an Orthodox rabbi to ask for a mezuzah for the car.
‘You want a mezuzah for what?’ the rabbi asked.
‘It’s a Maserati,’said the man.
‘What’s a Maserati?’ asked the rabbi.
‘A sports car.’
‘What? That’s blasphemy!’ the rabbi shouted. ‘You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!’
The man went to the Conservative rabbi and asked for a mezuzah.
‘You want a mezuzah for what?’ the rabbi asked.
‘For my Maserati’, the man replied.’What’s a Maserati?’ asked the rabbi.
‘A car, a sports car.’
‘What? That’s blasphemy!’ the rabbi shouted. ‘You want a mezuzah for a car? Go to the Reform!’
Finally the man went to the Reform rabbi.
‘Rabbi,’ he asks, ‘I’d like a mezuzah for my Maserati.’
‘You have a Maserati?’ asked the Rabbi.
‘You know what it is?’ says the man.
‘Of course! It’s a fantastic Italian sports car. What’s a mezuzah?’
- A plane crashed in the arctic and Meyer Goldberg was the only survivor. Three months later, a rescue party found him; against all odds he had managed to stay alive by building an igloo and living off fish he caught with his bare hands through a hole in the ice. A newspaperman called his mother in New York to ask what she thought of the good news that her son had been found alive. ‘Good news nothing!’ exclaimed Mrs Goldberg. ‘For three months he doesn’t write, he doesn’t call…’
- Customer (in Kosher bakery): Remember that raisin bread I bought yesterday? There was a fly in it!
Baker: So bring back the fly, I’ll give you a raisin for it!
- In 1900 Mrs and Mrs Leibowitz emigrated to New York. Unused to the busy traffic, Mr Leibowitz was knocked down by a streetcar. He seemed to be unhurt, but his wife insisted he visit a doctor just in case.
When he returned, she asked him what the doctor said. ‘Nu, I’m not sure, my English is not so good. He said I got a ‘flucky’.’
‘Oy,’ exclaimed Mrs Leibowitz, with a worried expression. ‘A flucky?
What could that be? Some terrible problem, I’m sure! The bills will be enormous and we’ll have to go back to Russia.’
The next day she visited the doctor and asked what was wrong with her husband. ‘Nothing,’ replied the doctor. ‘He got off lucky.’
- There was an item in the synagogue newsletter about the rabbi’s recent recovery from illness. The headline was ‘G-d is good: the Rabbi is better.’
- ‘At least the recession is making people more religious,’ said Rabbi Cohen. ‘How so?’ asked Rabbi Solomons. ‘Because every time I go to the supermarket I see women looking at the prices and shouting ‘Oh my God!’
- Newsflash: Jewish teenagers are becoming addicted to LSD. The good news is that LSD stands for Lox, Salami and Danish.
- Cohen was nearly 30 and unmarried, so he went to a shadchan (matchmaker) to find him a wife. After some time, the shadchan called him with some good news. ‘Mr Cohen, I’ve found you the perfect girl. She’s very observant; comes from a good family; cooks like you wouldn’t believe.’ ‘Great!’ said Cohen. ‘Wait, there’s more,’ said the shadchan. ‘She’s extremely pretty, and you’ll never guess, she’s also the heiress to a huge fortune.’ ‘She sounds the perfect match,’ said Cohen. ‘But there’s just one more thing I need to know. Is she good in bed?’ There was a pause and then the shadchan replied, ‘Some say yes…some say no.’
- New York Jewish Princess Mrs Abelman had been pestering her husband for a nose job for some time. ‘All my friends have had them done,’ she wailed. ‘Why can’t I?’. ‘You know we can’t afford it, dearest,’ said Mr Abelman. ‘I don’t care,’ screamed his wife.
‘The next time I walk through that front door, I want to have a completely different nose!’
So Abelman replaced the doormat with a rake.
- Newsflash: Declassified government files have revealed the reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War. It seems all the equipment was rented for one week.
- Q. How many Hassidic Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What’s a lightbulb?
- Then there was the Jewish mother who was excused from jury service, because she kept insisting she was the guilty one.
- Cohen studied hard at drama school and finally landed his first role, in a TV soap opera. He excitedly told his mother the news. ‘Who are you playing?’ she asked. Cohen proudly declared, ‘I’m playing the husband in a Jewish family’. ‘Huh!’ said his mother. ‘You couldn’t get a speaking part?’
- An old man went into the confession box at a Catholic church.
‘Father,’ said the man, ‘I am 80 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I have been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with a beautiful 18 year old girl.’
‘When was the last time you made a confession?’ asked the priest.
‘I never have done, Father, I’m Jewish.’
‘Then why are telling me all this?’
‘I’m telling everybody!’
- Goldberg was knocked down by a car. A paramedic arrived and checked on him ‘Are you comfortable?’ asked the medic. ‘Ach, I make a living…’ replied Goldberg.
- A tramp accosted a Jewish mother on the street. ‘Madam,’ he said, ‘I haven’t eaten for three days.’ ‘Force yourself,’ said the woman.
- A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.
- ‘Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?’
The rabbi stroked his beard and said, ‘Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.’
‘What did you do?’ asked the man of the rabbi.‘I turned to G-d for the answer,’ replied the rabbi.
‘What did He say?’ asked the man.
‘He said, ‘Funny you should come to me…’
- Where is the first mention of insurance in the Torah?
When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
- A Jewish beggar accosted a man in the street and asked for 20 pence for a cup of tea. ‘Where on earth can you get a cup of tea for 20p?’ asked the man. The beggar shrugged and replied ‘Who buys retail?’
- A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.
- A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling charitable, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, ‘Who wrote this crap?’
- Telegram from Jewish mother: ‘Begin worrying. Details to follow.’
- Q. Why do Jews always answer everything with a question?
A. Why not?
- Did you hear about the Jewish Princess who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards.
- Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat.
- Cohen’s beloved dog died, and he asked the rabbi if he would say some funeral prayers while they buried the animal in the garden. ‘I can’t possibly do that,’ said the rabbi. ‘It would be totally unethical to hold such a service for an animal.’
Cohen was close to tears, and so the rabbi relented a little. ‘I tell you what,’ said the rabbi, ‘Why not speak to the local vicar about it. He’s a very considerate man, and he might be willing to say some prayers from those parts of scripture that we share.’
Cohen brightened a little. ‘That’s a good idea, rabbi,’ he said. ‘I’ll speak to him. By the way, I don’t know anything about these vicars – how much do you think he would charge for such a service? I’m willing to spend up to five thousand pounds.’
Suddenly the rabbi put his arm around Cohen and gripped him tightly. ‘For heaven’s sake, why didn’t you tell me the dog was Jewish?’
- The El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion Airport, and as it taxied to the terminal, the voice of the captain was heard:
‘Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until this plane has come to a complete stop and the seatbelt signs have been turned off. We also remind passengers that mobile phones may not be used until the exit doors have been opened.
‘To those of you still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas, and hope you enjoy your visit to Israel.’
‘To those of you standing in the aisles talking on your phones, Happy Hanukkah and welcome back home.’
- What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan.
- A man was on a plane and an elderly Jewish lady was sitting beside him. With a smile on her face, she asked the man ‘Are you Jewish?’ ‘No,’ replied the man. A few minutes later, the lady tugged his sleeve again and asked ‘Are you Jewish?’ Again he replied in the negative. A few minutes later she asked again, ‘Are you Jewish?’ This went on for some time. Thinking he ought perhaps to humour her, the man eventually replied. ‘Alright, yes, I’m Jewish.’ ‘That’s funny,’ replied the woman with another smile. ‘You don’t look Jewish.’
- What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? ‘Your mother ate us out of house and home.’
- A rabbi was travelling on the sleeper train from London to Scotland. ‘Oy!’ he declared. ‘I’ve forgotten my washbag.’ ‘That’s alright,’ said the man with whom he was sharing the compartment. ‘You can borrow my stuff.’ The man let the rabbi use anything he wanted from his own washbag, with the exception of his toothbrush. When the rabbi met his relatives in Scotland, he said ‘I met a real anti-semite on the train…’
- Why was Moses the most sinful man in the Bible?
Because he broke all Ten Commandments at once.
- Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Don’t worry, I’ll just sit in the dark and suffer.
- It was Kol Nidre on the eve of Rosh Hashana, but Goldberg’s favourite football team were playing a big match on TV that night. Goldberg went to his rabbi and said ‘Rabbi, I’m a lifelong Spurs fan. I’ve just got to watch that match.’ The rabbi sighed and said ‘Goldberg, that’s what DVD recorders were invented for.’ Goldberg was incredulous. ‘You mean I can record Kol Nidre?’
- Why do Jewish mothers make great probation officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence.
- Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
- Q. What do you call a Scottish, Jewish poet?
A. Rabbi Burns.
- Leibowitz decided to emigrate to the USA. He sold all his assets and then had three sets of solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official asked why he needed three sets of gold teeth. Leibowitz explained. ‘Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth.’
The customs official sighed in resignation, and said, ‘Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other one?’ Leibowitz then said ‘Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich.’
- Why was Goliath surprised when David slew him with a pebble?Because it had never entered his head before.
- Newsflash: a new ultra-liberal branch of Reform Judaism has been started in west London. It has six commandments and four suggestions.
- Cohen was shipwrecked in the pacific. Three years later a rescue party found him alive on a tiny, remote island. The naval officer was impressed by how Cohen had managed to survive and asked to be shown round the island.
Cohen proudly showed him all the structures he had built with his bare hands. ‘This is my house…and this is my windmill, where I grind my corn…this is my storeroom…this is my workshop…and this is my synagogue.’
The officer noticed another building and asked what it was for. ‘Ah,’ said Cohen. That’s the synagogue I don’t go to.’
- Why was Pharaoh’s daughter like a financier?
Because she drew a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
- A Jewish beggar went from door to door asking for money because his house was destroyed in a fire.’ Have you a letter from your rabbi affirming that your story is true?’ asked a householder. ‘Oy,’ he replied. ‘That, too, was destroyed in the fire!’
- A Hebrew school teacher was talking to his class. ‘We’ve learnt about all those kings and queens in the Torah, and about how powerful they were. But there is something higher, worth more than a king or queen. Can anyone tell me what it is?
Little Abie put up his hand. ‘Aces?’
- Four Jews were sitting in a barber shop. The first said ‘Oy!’ The second said ‘Oy vey!’ The third said ‘Nu…’ Then the barber said ‘I’ve told you before, no discussing politics in here!’
- Mrs Cohen was celebrating her eightieth birthday and her three wealthy sons decided to compete for who could send her the best gift. Solly sent a top of the range luxury car; Hymie sent the entire London philharmonic orchestra to play outside her house for three days. Youngest son Menachem sent a beautiful tropical parrot which for over six months he had painstakingly taught to recite the Shema Israel.
The boys visited their mother on her birthday and asked what she thought of the presents.
‘Solly,’ said his mother, ‘so you bought me a car. You call that thoughtful? You forgot I’m nearly blind and lost my licence!’
‘Hymie,’ she continued, ‘so you get these schmucks to play music in front of my house all day and clutter up the driveway. Did you forget I’ve almost gone deaf and can’t hear a thing?’
‘But Menachem, dear,’ she said with a smile, ‘always the thoughtful one.’ Menachem beamed with pride as his mother continued. ‘That chicken you sent was delicious!’
- Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
- Why was Delilah the best businesswoman?
Because she got Samson for a snip.
- Goldberg went to visit his mother in her new flat in St John’s Wood. At the street entrance, he pushed her bell and heard her voice crackle over the intercom. ‘Press the ‘unlock’ button with your elbow when it buzzes,’ she said. ‘Then push the button marked ‘3’ on the lift with your elbow. Then just push the handle on my flat door with your elbow.’ Puzzled, the man said ‘That’s all clear mother, but why do you keep telling me to use my elbow? Why can’t I just use my hand?’ There was a pause and then came the reply, ‘You’re coming empty handed?’
- ‘Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?’
- A Jewish man was talking to his female psychiatrist about a strange dream he’d had. ‘I dreamt that I went to visit my mother, but when I met her, she looked just like you. When I spoke to her, she sounded just like you as well. Then I woke up, drank a Coke and came over here.’ ‘A coke is a breakfast?’ replied the doctor.
- Q. What’s a Jewish Princess’ favourite position?
- Cohen visited the big new synagogue in the suburbs. He said to the rabbi, ‘I notice this place is called the Schindler Synagogue. Is it named after Oskar Schindler, the famous German industrialist who saved so many Jewish people?’ ‘No,’ replied the rabbi. ‘It’s named after Solly Schindler, the famous Jewish writer.’
‘I’ve never heard of him,’ replied Cohen. ‘What did he write?’
- Then there was the Jewish family that kept such a kosher kitchen that they installed two smoke detectors.
- During the ‘Troubles’, Hymie set up his shop in a rough part of Belfast. One day some local toughs came in. ‘See here, mister,’ said one of them in a threatening voice. ‘We’ve never seen you before and we want to know what side ye’re on in the struggle.’ ‘Boys, boys, not to worry,’ said Hymie with a smile. ‘I’m a Jew.’ There was a pause, and then one of the toughs said ‘Ah, but are ye a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?’
- What was the first financial transaction in the Bible?
When Pharaoh received a check on the bank of the Red Sea, and Moses passed it.
- An orthodox Jew and a Chinese businessman sat next to each other on a plane. ‘I don’t like you people,’ said the Jew. ‘You bombed Pearl Harbour.’ ‘No, no!’ said the Chinese man. ‘Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbour. That was Japanese.’ ‘Tch,’ replied the Jew. ‘Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, you’re all the same to me.’ ‘Well I not like you people either,’ said the Chinese man. ‘You sank the Titanic.’ ‘What are you talking about?’ said the Jew. ‘The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.’ The Chinese man smiled and replied ‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Greenberg, you all the same to me!’
- A small boy pressed some coins into the rabbi’s hand when he came to call.
‘What’s this for, Moishe?’ asked the rabbi, with a smile.
‘I wanted to help you,’ replied the boy. ‘My daddy said you’re the poorest preacher we’ve ever had.’
- An elderly Jewish man in London called his son in New York and said, ‘I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty years of misery is enough.’
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son shouted. ‘We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,’ the old man said. ‘We’re sick of each other, so you call your sister in Paris and tell her’. He hung up. The son called his sister, who said, ‘No way are they getting divorced,’ I’ll take care of this.’ She called her father right away and shouted, ‘You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back! , and we’ll both be there tomorrow.’
The old man hung up turned to his wife. ‘Okay,’ he said, ‘They’re coming for Passover and paying their own plane fares.’
- Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
- A Roman Catholic and a Jew were arguing. Finally the subject came round to their respective religions.
‘I bet my priest knows more than your Rabbi,’ the Catholic insisted.
‘Of course he does’ replied the Jew. ‘You tell him everything.’
- Jewish Christmas Card greeting:
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
When the Messiah comes,
You’ll wish you were Jewish!
- A wealthy Jewish man bought a huge house in Hampstead Garden Suburb, and employed a local decorator to refurbish the place.
When the job was finished, the man realised he’d forgotten the mezuzahs. He rushed out and bought fifty of them and asked the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except the bathrooms and kitchens.
When he came back they were all in place, and the man was so pleased that he gave the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator walked out, he said, ‘By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!’
- A Jewish grandmother went to the chemist’s and asked for birth control pills. A week later she came back for more. ‘I don’t mean to be rude, madam,’ said the chemist, ‘but how old are you?’ ‘I’m 85!’ beamed the lady. ‘In which case, why on earth do you need birth control pills?’ ‘Ah,’ said the lady. ‘To help me sleep.’ ‘But these aren’t sleeping pills,’ said the chemist, getting more puzzled by the minute. ‘No,’ replied the lady. ‘But every evening, I put one in my 16 year old grand-daughter’s tea before she goes out, and then I can sleep like a baby!’
- Mrs Abelman entered a kosher butcher’s and asked the price of chickens.
‘Six pounds fifty a pound,’ said the butcher.
‘Six pounds fifty!’ shrieked Mrs. Abelman. ‘In the World of Kosher supermarket they sell for only five pounds a pound.’
‘If World of Kosher sells chickens five pounds a pound, why don’t you shop there?’ asked the butcher impatiently.
‘Because they sold out.’
‘Look, missus,’ said the butcher, ‘as soon as I run out of chicken, I’ll sell them to you for only fifty pence a pound — and you can’t beat that price anywhere!’
- Solly’s wife found him looking at a white supremacist website on the internet. She threw up her hands in horror. ‘Solly, why are you reading such horrible things? Why can’t you look at a nice Jewish website like the Jewish Chronicle?’ ‘Because,’ explained Solly, ‘on Jewish websites all you get is bad news. But on this website, you get good news.’
‘Good news, how so?’ asked his wife in confusion. Solly explained with a smile. ‘On here they’re always telling me the Jews have all the money…the Jews control the Royal Family…the Jews run the media…the Jews control the banks…’
- It was the anniversary of Moses Weinbaum’s death, and his widow Rachel went to the cemetery to say prayers over his grave. However, when she got there, she couldn’t remember the location of the grave.
After looking for some time, she finally went into the cemetery office and asked where her husband’s grave was. The administrator looked through the record book but couldn’t find a Moses Weinbaum listed anywhere. ‘All we have listed is a Rachel Weinbaum,’ said the man. ‘That’s him!’ cried his widow. ‘He always put everything in my name.’
- A man started to tell a joke at a party: ‘Two old Jews were on their way…’ Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest. ‘Why do you keep telling jokes about Jews?’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ apologized the story teller, ‘I’ll start again. Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the rabbi…’
- One day a rabbi decided to try pork without telling anybody. So he went to a non-kosher restaurant and ordered the pork. Then, suddenly, a couple from his congregation walked into the restaurant. The couple came over to the rabbi’s table and sat down. The waiter came out of the kitchen holding the pork on a big plate with a apple in its mouth and it was covered. The waiter brought to the table and lifted up the cover. The rabbi exclaimed ‘What a restaurant! You ask them for a baked apple and look what they give you!’
- Jewish mother’s proverb: Why worry about tomorrow, when you can worry about today?
- Solly and Meyer were walking through a rough part of London. A gang of tough looking youths crossed the street and started sauntering towards them. Solly nudged Meyer and whispered. ‘I think maybe we’re going to get robbed.’ ‘I think maybe you’re right,’ replied Meyer, and passed him a wad of money. ‘Here’s that £500 I owe you.’